


Let There Be Fear

by poetesmaudits



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Death Eaters, Doubt, First War with Voldemort, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, multiple eras
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-12 07:11:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18441599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poetesmaudits/pseuds/poetesmaudits
Summary: Remus and Sirius, back and forth through time, from 1975 to 1994.





	Let There Be Fear

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning: light mentions of homophobia and use of strong language. if you find any other trigger factors that are not mentioned, please tell me.

He started doubting Sirius after the death of Fenwick in July—they had found the boy's grits splattered across the concrete in Glasgow and even though he hadn't been there himself, he was certain the shots taken on the scene and which Dumbledore had laid clear on the table for everyone to see that same night would haunt him into his grave, the picture of Kingsley scraping the remains of what was perhaps a brain off the pavement inked in his mind forever. The fear that a spy lay among them was confirmed and when Sirius came home late at night and joined him in the bed, he guiltily shifted just a little bit for their legs not to touch, and told himself that it was to avoid the heat when his mind was screaming at him something entirely different and which he was all too aware of. He wondered if Sirius suspected him as well (that was if he wasn't the spy of course) and decided that at this stage it no longer mattered for they were all accursed anyway and all that laid ahead was but death and doom. 

\--

It was in fifth year that he started understanding that the way he felt for Sirius was perhaps not quite natural and that perhaps he had his reasons to doubt himself. There was more to it than acknowledgement and there was more to it than a platonic friendship and he was acutely aware at this stage that either it was the blood-lusting beast inside him that was triggering these feelings or simply he was a queer. He had had his suspicions for a while now on the latter and he knew that dreaming of wanking his roommate was, at this stage, not just a brotherly type of admiration. Sirius was handsome and this was a universal truth and everyone at Hogwarts knew this. At sixteen he had grown his hair out like it was fashionable to do back then and had a joke of a moustache that resembled a hideous shadow rather than facial hair altogether, and his eyelashes were very long and his jaw was very sharp and his cheekbones very high and his fingers looked simply too good around a fag.

They had been sitting on the dormitory's floor with hand-rolled cigarettes and James had put on a dreadful Gerry Rafferty record which he had taken with him from home and Sirius had moaned about how awful it was, but he hadn't done anything to change the music and had gone with it anyway and had looked at his best friend with very fond eyes which made something very deep inside Remus twist into an inexplicable knot. He tried to tell himself it was not jealousy but the little voice at the back of his head told an entirely different story. Sirius was beautiful. But he was more than that too and it burnt very vividly, somewhere deep within which you could only truly understand after years of hanging around. 

They were plotting their next attack on the Slytherin Gang as what was in fact only retribution for having broken both of Peter's knee caps in the boys' bathrooms on the second floor during free period with a skilful and yet horrendous spell that consisted in a slow and overwhelmingly painful cracking of the bones. Of course Sirius had been the one to find the perfect revenge with a well-thought-out scheme that would make Snape and his friends lose every single one of their fingers with the wave of a wand, which meant spending long painful hours in the infirmary to grow them back again and with the inability to tell Pomfrey anything of what happened due to a threat of detention that would get them once more in Dumbledore's office, where he would warn them of the dangers of the Dark Arts. The Marauder's Map would tell them exactly where the Slytherin boys were and Pete had already acquired the current password to the House of the Snake's Common Room thanks to his ability to turn into a tiny rodent at the most convenient of times. The joy and the euphoria and the hatred and the passion that burnt in Sirius's eyes was so great that Remus could only stare, silent, and when he turned to look at him all he could do was carry on staring, before at last the cigarette smoke began to burn his eyes and he was forced to blink, and this was enough time for Sirius to look back at the other two boys. Remus had stared at his hands for the rest of the night after that.

It took perhaps three months for Sirius to come around and when he did it was January. There were only the two of them outside under the infrastructure of the Quidditch pitch. They were skiving Divination, much to Remus's joy, and it didn't matter that his fingers were purple from the cold and it didn't matter that his socks were wet from the snow because they were alone and Sirius was kissing him with his equally freezing fingers resting on his neck and jaw and Remus almost wanted to cry with relief. Sirius's skin was freezing and so was his hair and his clothes. Remus had cast a warming charm eventually and they walked back to the castle side by side to preserve the heat. They sat together in Arithmancy and in History of Magic and later at night when James and Peter had gone to bed they snogged again in the boys' bathroom.

\--

Later that year when the Incident happened and Snape was in the hospital wing and James had a broken arm (and a broken fist, this from punching Sirius in the face), Remus wanted to hate him so much it burnt and he could no longer bear to look at him, with his stupid, swollen black eye and his larmoyant stare and his martyr play which he had always been oh so fucking good at (he thought, later). Dumbledore had taken them all in his office and Sirius had tried to explain that it was all a joke, a bloody awful one for that matter, and when Dumbledore had told him that he had no choice but to warn his family of what he had done, for he had endangered the life of another student, he had begged him not to and it was the first time, Remus thought, that he saw Sirius being afraid of something, someone. Remus had of course always known the reality Sirius lived in at home and he had always known that it was shit and abusive and whatelse, but this was something which Sirius never spoke of and kept to himself and which only James truly knew about. Of course Dumbledore had still written the letter and for a week after that Sirius sat alone at breakfast, lunch and dinner and in class, and never did he receive an answer from his parents, which perhaps signified that something dark and horrifically wrong would happen and which only Sirius could even fathom at this stage. 

\--

The bathroom was small and their shoulders wouldn't stop softly bumping against each other's as one shaved and the other aggressively brushed his teeth. Sirius had combed his hair backwards like he always did those days as the eighties definitely implanted themselves in England, and he wore his rich Auror robes which made him look like a Sultan or a prince in a faraway land of some sort, and he was distractedly humming I Wanna Be Sedated by Ramones before he rinsed his face and left;

“See ya tonight.”

Remus hummed, but Sirius did not hear as he crossed the tiny flat in a few long strides, and left, leaving the door open. 

When Sirius would come back at night, Remus would however be gone again, but it wouldn't matter because at this stage it was what was expected.

\--

In the Summer of '76 Remus received a letter written in posthaste by an extremely concerned James explaining that Sirius had arrived at his house in the middle of the night on the verge of a nervous breakdown and that they had just spent the rest of the night sitting in silence before at last Sirius had explained that he had run away from home, and most certainly he would be disinherited by his family if they wouldn't come after him and kill him personally. The reasons as to why he had run away remained unclear in the letter and Remus suspected James would tell him sooner or later if he didn't make Sirius tell him himself—Sirius whom he was still so absolutely furious at for what had happened last Spring. A part of him cruelly believed that perhaps this was what he deserved for his shit behaviour but couldn't quite bear this belief and therefore decided to momentarily forget his grudge and his anger and to acknowledge the fact that Sirius was in fact a fucking human being with flaws and feelings and now more than ever he was in dire need of friends and family, and thus the next day he Flooed himself to the Potter's mansion. 

James who he suspected knew about what had happened between the two of them went for a walk with a very confused Peter after they had apple pie made by the ever so lovely Mrs Potter which none of them really touched due to the unfortunate circumstances behind everybody's presence. Remus reluctantly stayed behind with a still-as-stone Sirius who wouldn't stop torturing his fingers. His nails were bitten short and a hunted look burnt in his eyes and this in itself said enough on what was happening in his fucked-up head. 

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Remus asked anyway because he didn't really know what else to ask. Sirius laughed dryly.

“I think what happened is pretty clear,” he said, passing a hand through his mass of black hair that was greasy and immediately fell back into his face. 

“Well then what the hell do you want to do aside from sitting in silence and mourning your all-but-forgotten youth?”

Sirius made some kind of a choking sound of despair and remained silent for a while, staring at Remus with an unreadable expression that said everything and yet nothing all at the same time. They were sitting in James's red and golden room on his red and golden bed and shadows slowly stretched across the room as the minutes passed and the sun began to set. Sirius's face was gaunt and tired-looking and dumbly Remus wondered when was the last time he had even slept without fearing and dreading some kind of unfathomable horror that his family could do to him. Deep down Remus knew very well what it was his family had expected of Sirius and everybody knew it was only a matter of time before it would happen, and indeed, when Sirius looked at him he had the confirmation for it.

“Last night was just a real fucking nightmare and still now I can't quite believe it has happened. I don't even know how am I supposed to react because it all happened in a dash and yet it was in-fucking-terminable at the same time,” he started. There was a spasm in his cheek which Remus had already noticed last Spring and yet which was far more noticeable now as it twisted his face only for the tiniest instant, and his voice was worn with exhaustion and terror, “my... parents had organised a dinner and invited my uncle Cygnus's family—you know, Bellatrix, Narcissa and Aunt Druella. Since the beginning of Summer my mother has been talking about taking me out of school after Dumbledore's letter arrived for her. And so she started discussing this last night and fucking Bellatrix who everyone knows is a Death Eater said that I would be most welcomed to join as well and that I could serve as a powerful asset, given that I do well at school and I'm clever and a pure-blooded and inbred and all that load of rubbish. She went on about how Voldemort has so-called agents at Hogwarts who were for the most part planning on quitting school in next year, such as Rosier and Nott and that many more would do the same the in the years to come and that the Dark Lord's army was large and strong but needed people like me. And of fucking course this was all mother dearest needed to hear to want me to join that little cult of theirs, so naturally I refused.” 

Of course it was what had always been expected of Sirius and of course he had always been bound to refuse the fate he was destined for, Remus had thought, guiltily. 

“Did they hurt you?”

Sirius's cheek spasmed again and he looked at Remus with dead grey eyes and the answer was written all over his face.

“What do you think?” he asked, but before Remus could answer he added, “of course they did. I got away with only two Cruciatus curses and Disapparated before Bellatrix threatened to call Voldemort over to join their little dinner party,” his voice suddenly changed as he rubbed his face roughly with the palm of his hands and sighed very deeply, helplessness written all over his body language, “I really really really thought they were going to kill me, Moony. You didn't see my mother's face. What she said. Screamed.” he groaned and bent over into his knees as his face remained in the cup of his hands and tentatively Remus rubbed his back very slowly and very gently in case there were hidden bruises somewhere under the old manky muggle t-shirt he was wearing. 

“I'm sorry,” was all Remus could say at this stage and he was grateful when Sirius didn't answer. The outburst of emotions and words was overwhelming and nothing that could have potentially solved all problems could be summoned and therefore they sat in silence as Remus rubbed Sirius's back, and eventually Sirius turned into Padfoot and things became perhaps easier for the two of them.

\--

When the McKinnons had been found dead two days after their disappearance with their eyes gouged out it became clear that they were all completely and utterly fucked. Dorcas Meadowes had screamed herself hoarse and Mad-Eye and Jones had ended up dragging her out of the room and her screaming had carried on on the other side of the door, a wild, wild scream that embodied all of the horror, all of the madness and all of the pain that all had felt thus far in this fucked up war that had lost all purpose and that had become nothing but total absurdity. Remus had briefly wondered if he would react that way as well if tomorrow Sirius died but quickly rejected the thought for he knew not and did not want to doubt himself. Lily had wept and left the room silently and Dumbledore had remained stoical as ever as he throned at the end of the table like some kind of almighty medieval king and perhaps this was exactly what he was in his head. 

"I think it is clear now that there is a spy among us," he said and Sirius stood up with such violence that his chair swung backwards and clattered loudly to the floor, before he left without a word, face red with a very deep, very violent anger and he slammed the door with such strength that the whole room trembled. He yelled the word 'fuck' for them all to hear and then Disapparated with a sinister crack. Dorcas was still screaming like a lunatic. Dumbledore however remained impassive, as he clasped his hands before him on the wooden table and said; "ladies and gentlemen, do any of you have any suggestions as to how could we operate from now on?"

"Veritaserum," Emmeline Vance said loud and clear, staring at her nails, "interrogate everyone."

"That's unfortunately too expensive," said Dumbledore, "and Voldemort has been controlling the import and export of all crates since January 1978 anyway."

There was a silence and no one questioned the old headmaster's words because God forbid he could ever be wrong about anything.

\--

James and Lily's wedding was small and only direct family and friends (and Dumbledore) were invited to the ceremony and party. Peter got awfully drunk and ended up vomiting all of the cheese cubes he had been stuffing his face with all night in the decorative begonias, much to Lily's sister's distaste. James was completely drunk as well and Lily was definitely tipsy as both laughed and laughed and laughed together all night as they danced to what resembled the entire The Beatles' discography. Remus sat in the corner with Dumbledore by his side and was acutely aware that the old man was most definitely expecting something of him and was simply waiting for the ideal moment to ask what he had been burning to ask him. Sirius was dancing with James and eventually kissed him drunkenly on the mouth and Remus pretended not to notice, and of course the old bastard picked that moment to speak.

"Lovely evening, isn't it?" he asked and Remus almost wanted to laugh.

"It is," was all he could answer. 

"I know tonight is supposed to be all fun and games and I am awfully sorry to bring up... work now of all times," no you're not, you old knob, "but I do have a favour to ask of you."

"It's perfectly fine," Remus replied coldly and smiled just a little bit too falsely for it to look courteous, and rather outright rude instead, "do tell."

"Greyback's pack has been spotted in Stirling and it is likely he will dwell there for a while," he started and Remus could already sense what he was going to demand of him, "twelve children have already been bitten and seven of them have died from their more than grievous injuries. A tragedy, truly. Now what is however most interesting is that one of my sources tells me that Death Eaters also currently have business in Stirling," Dumbledore smiled faintly and behind his half-moon spectacles his blue eyes shone affably and Remus wanted to sneer at him, "now I know I have already asked so much of you, my dear Remus, and numerous times you have endangered your own life for your peers and the Order. And I am aware that I ask too much of you already, but I truly need a werewolf to keep an eye on what is happening up there. Perhaps discuss with Greyback himself. Find a compromise."

Remus looked down at his lap where he held his empty champagne flute and exhaled heavily through his nostrils before he looked back at his friends who were partying. James and Lily were dancing again but Sirius was staring at him with curious and suspicious eyes before he was dragged away by an incredibly pissed Mary Macdonald. Remus's finger contoured the edge of his flute three times before at last he asked, "and when would I have to leave?"

Dumbledore's smile was so wide it revealed his slowly rotting teeth in the bright neon lights, "Tomorrow morning if possible."

\--

By the time they were twenty-one they had become morbid alcoholics because it was much easier to drink than to face the truth that they were all utterly fucked and bound to die in atrocious suffering sooner or later. They felt a hundred years old and they felt like they had already seen enough of this shit world, and this shone in their dull, dead eyes. There was nothing left and there never would be anything else awaiting them other than death and thus all they did was await it with open arms. Dorcas had died taking five Death Eaters with her as retaliation for what had been done to Marlene and ever since then Voldemort's minions had been more ruthless than ever. 

Remus knew all too well that Sirius suspected him of being the spy, it showed in the way he never looked him in the eyes anymore and how he had started sleeping on the sofa without a word. Remus hadn't asked because silence was better than confrontation. It didn't matter if he would bitterly regret it later on. 

He hadn't seen Lily or James or their son Harry in months now but he knew Sirius did and this was sufficient enough for him not to worry too much even if he and Sirius were no longer on speaking terms and it was only a matter of time before one of them left and never came back. Remus knew Sirius had been in contact with his family again, he had seen the letter in the letterbox with the old House of Black wax seal, and he had been cautious to leave it in the box for Sirius not to suspect him of having seen it even if he would most likely think that he did anyway. He knew that Dumbledore was most likely the one to have asked him to contact his rotted old mother in her rotted old house again and he knew that it had hurt Sirius more than he showed for he had perhaps doubled his consumption of cigarettes ever since they started receiving these envelopes through the mail. 

Remus had lost his job two months earlier; he had been working as a curse breaker, but due to his extended absences caused by his frequent visits to the werewolves up north there had been no other solutions but for him to get sacked, and for this he had cursed Dumbledore during the entire walk home. Sirius on the other hand was still an Auror but Remus knew that he was thinking about quitting as slowly the reluctance and the realisation that the Ministry was growing more and more corrupt crept in. This was what he had said, at least. The Death Eaters were everywhere, and even Aurors were being stunned and arrested for having collaborated with Voldemort. There was no peace anywhere and only chaos remained, and at this stage all Remus could do was cry into his cup of tea alone in the flat when Sirius was away somewhere, maybe with the Potters who he himself had not seen in so long and who he would probably never see again. The madness and hysteria were nibbling away at his mind with every passing day and he wondered how long would it take for his body to decay completely before they (the Death Eaters) finally came to take him away, tortured him to get information out of him before they'd mercifully kill him with the Killing Curse which at that point was perhaps a blessing more than a curse. 

That night Sirius never came home and not the night after that, either.

\--

He was in Suffolk with the werewolves when it eventually happened and only heard about it three days after it was all over when he got home and a letter to his name with Dumbledore's neat scrawl was laying on the table next to a three day old newspaper which he gave no attention to until he read the letter and dropped it onto the floor to stare at the front page, only to see Sirius, ruggedly handsome as always staring right into him with an evil glint in his eye which he knew must have been edited by the Prophet for it had not been there last time he had seen him. Atop the picture was the headline: YOU-KNOW-WHO DEFEATED! 

He could only stare stupidly at the picture of Sirius slowly blinking as he stared back at him, sneering just a little bit to exacerbate the true evil in him, and he couldn't quite process anything that had happened until at last he dropped the newspaper and reread Dumbledore's letter and understood that James and Lily and Peter were dead and no one but little Harry had survived. He made himself some tea which he never drank and instead he wept on the sofa where Sirius had been sleeping for months and passed his fingers through his hair a couple dozen times before he apparated into Dumbledore's Office with tear-stricken cheeks and hyperventilating and body shaking uncontrollably, and all he could do was scream at the Headmaster, scream at him until he could no longer and all he could do was cry in the soft pillowy chair normally reserved for summoned students. It was you who killed them, it was you it was you it was you.  
Foolishly, he wanted to ask who would be looking after Harry and if perhaps he could do it, but he knew all too well Dumbledore would never allow it. The fact that Dumbledore was the one to even decide of the fate of this child despite not remotely being a parental figure completely flew over his head in the moment for at this point this old man was everything Remus still had, and he might as well have been God. Of course Remus could never look after Harry, being a jobless alcoholic queer werewolf in a society that decisively loathed him and wanted nothing but his doom. Later he most certainly would regret not fighting more than he already had (if what had been done so far could even be qualified as fighting), but now none of it mattered. James and Lily and Peter were dead and he hadn't seen them in over five months, and the one who killed them was the one who they had always trusted the most. The one that perhaps he had always loved the most despite himself. 

\--

It was in the Summer of '94 that the dog arrived through the wheat fields with in its mouth a torn up paper bag contaning an old toothbrush, a greyish block of soap and two tangerines, and Remus opened the front door to the cottage just as dog became man. There were thousands of things he wished to say and yet all at the same time there was nothing that could have been said, and so Sirius raised a thin and yet callous hand as he rasped a small "hello" and Remus let him in with the faintest smile.


End file.
